No one wants to get old, but unfortunately, most of us do. Luckily, I’m here to share the three most significant warning signs of old age. And I’m not talking about calling anyone younger than you “honey,” or “sweetpea,” although a hearty dose of self-reflection may be needed if you do. I’m talking about the real, unmissable phases of growing old.

PHASE 1. Save Yourself While You Still Can

Candy bowls. They may seem like harmless objects to have in your living room. Perhaps you already have one, but I promise you, it’s only downhill from here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of sugar. I believe that if you’re happy,  you’re healthy. Candy makes me happy, so therefore, it is healthy. Nonetheless, it is often the first step of one’s downward spiral into old age. 

Even if you have a candy bowl, you may still be safe. There are two main factors in determining whether you need to worry about having the mentality of a grandma at age 35. The first is the bowl. Any bowls made out of things other than glass are acceptable, but glass bowls are borderline. You may need to start worrying. The real problem bowl, however, is made out of glass, has a floral pattern, and is found in every Goodwill you visit. Imagine you’re visiting your grandparents, and reach for the mysterious, unmarked candy from the candy bowl. It is quite possible that candy has been there since before World War 2. Now, take a good look at the bowl. It’s made out of glass, isn’t it? And it has flowers, right? Now you see why this bowl is such a concern. This is a very dangerous bowl. 

The second factor of concern is the actual candy itself. Chocolates and red licorice are fine, but hard candies are where things start to get iffy. If you have hard candy in your candy bowl, you may need to reevaluate your life choices. The candy you need to worry about is the sour kind, specifically those magnificently awful tasting gumdrops that are in your grandparent’s candy bowl. If you have sour candy in your candy bowl, you might as well schedule cataract surgery too.

PHASE 2. There’s Still Hope

This second phase goes far beyond candy. Personally, if I caught myself doing this, I think I might cry. Once you do this, it’s almost impossible to climb back out of the rabbit hole of despair (old age), but there’s still hope. Y’know those wrinkled up tissues (maybe used, maybe not) your grandma always has in every pocket of every jacket and every purse? Yeah. 

Surprisingly, the most troubling part about this is not the fact that it’s really not that hard to keep the tissues in the pack, but the uncertainty and distrust each tissue brings. If you’ve ever asked your grandmother for a tissue, you know she’ll pull out the most disheveled-looking piece of paper. Sometimes, it may even resemble the texture of a hairless cat. Now, you are faced with an impossible decision: do you ask your grandma how long she’s had this tissue, and if it’s ever been used, and risk facing the Wrath of Grandma? Or do you put the health of your nose on the line? If you choose the latter, you may end up with a sinus infection, assuming that’s not what you already had since you did, of course, need a tissue in the first place. But, if you choose the former, the Wrath of Grandma is practically inevitable. She will start by yelling at you about how “rude of a question that is,” and this brings me to my main point. After thoroughly lecturing you, she will realize that she, herself, doesn’t know whether the tissue is dirty or not. This is a major problem for those who carry loose tissues with them 24/7, because it shows that doing so can lead to memory loss.

PHASE 3. The Dark Side

This is the final stage of getting older. Once you are here, there is no going back. At this point, you should just pre-purchase a house in an assisted living facility. The final stage is birdwatching. Appreciating birds the average amount (very little) is not a problem at all, but it’s all too easy to get sucked into the misfortune that is birds. It starts when you actually decide to read that “bird guide” that everyone has, but no one knows where they got it. Then maybe you’ll buy a pair of binoculars to watch the little treasures eat worms. It ends with monitoring your backyard Grosbeak’s activity until you know its every move. Congratulations, you are now officially old.

I would like to end this by saying that if you find yourself doing any of these things, or in any of these situations, you may not be totally lost. Ask a friend to help you escape The Birds, keep your tissues in the pack, and, for the love of God, steer clear of any antique shops.

No one wants to get old, but unfortunately, most of us do. Luckily, I’m here to share the three most significant warning signs of old age. And I’m not talking about calling anyone younger than you “honey,” or “sweetpea,” although a hearty dose of self-reflection may be needed if you do. I’m talking about the real, unmissable phases of growing old.

PHASE 1. Save Yourself While You Still Can

Candy bowls. They may seem like harmless objects to have in your living room. Perhaps you already have one, but I promise you, it’s only downhill from here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of sugar. I believe that if you’re happy,  you’re healthy. Candy makes me happy, so therefore, it is healthy. Nonetheless, it is often the first step of one’s downward spiral into old age. 

Even if you have a candy bowl, you may still be safe. There are two main factors in determining whether you need to worry about having the mentality of a grandma at age 35. The first is the bowl. Any bowls made out of things other than glass are acceptable, but glass bowls are borderline. You may need to start worrying. The real problem bowl, however, is made out of glass, has a floral pattern, and is found in every Goodwill you visit. Imagine you’re visiting your grandparents, and reach for the mysterious, unmarked candy from the candy bowl. It is quite possible that candy has been there since before World War 2. Now, take a good look at the bowl. It’s made out of glass, isn’t it? And it has flowers, right? Now you see why this bowl is such a concern. This is a very dangerous bowl. 

The second factor of concern is the actual candy itself. Chocolates and red licorice are fine, but hard candies are where things start to get iffy. If you have hard candy in your candy bowl, you may need to reevaluate your life choices. The candy you need to worry about is the sour kind, specifically those magnificently awful tasting gumdrops that are in your grandparent’s candy bowl. If you have sour candy in your candy bowl, you might as well schedule cataract surgery too.

PHASE 2. There’s Still Hope

This second phase goes far beyond candy. Personally, if I caught myself doing this, I think I might cry. Once you do this, it’s almost impossible to climb back out of the rabbit hole of despair (old age), but there’s still hope. Y’know those wrinkled up tissues (maybe used, maybe not) your grandma always has in every pocket of every jacket and every purse? Yeah. 

Surprisingly, the most troubling part about this is not the fact that it’s really not that hard to keep the tissues in the pack, but the uncertainty and distrust each tissue brings. If you’ve ever asked your grandmother for a tissue, you know she’ll pull out the most disheveled-looking piece of paper. Sometimes, it may even resemble the texture of a hairless cat. Now, you are faced with an impossible decision: do you ask your grandma how long she’s had this tissue, and if it’s ever been used, and risk facing the Wrath of Grandma? Or do you put the health of your nose on the line? If you choose the latter, you may end up with a sinus infection, assuming that’s not what you already had since you did, of course, need a tissue in the first place. But, if you choose the former, the Wrath of Grandma is practically inevitable. She will start by yelling at you about how “rude of a question that is,” and this brings me to my main point. After thoroughly lecturing you, she will realize that she, herself, doesn’t know whether the tissue is dirty or not. This is a major problem for those who carry loose tissues with them 24/7, because it shows that doing so can lead to memory loss.

PHASE 3. The Dark Side

This is the final stage of getting older. Once you are here, there is no going back. At this point, you should just pre-purchase a house in an assisted living facility. The final stage is birdwatching. Appreciating birds the average amount (very little) is not a problem at all, but it’s all too easy to get sucked into the misfortune that is birds. It starts when you actually decide to read that “bird guide” that everyone has, but no one knows where they got it. Then maybe you’ll buy a pair of binoculars to watch the little treasures eat worms. It ends with monitoring your backyard Grosbeak’s activity until you know its every move. Congratulations, you are now officially old.

I would like to end this by saying that if you find yourself doing any of these things, or in any of these situations, you may not be totally lost. Ask a friend to help you escape The Birds, keep your tissues in the pack, and, for the love of God, steer clear of any antique shops.