In a world so vast, full of climate change, sinister celebrities, and delusions, it is hard to avoid feeling a constant fear lurking in the shadows of your life. Personally, I have thought long and hard about things going sideways. Lucky for you, I will be sharing a few bad situations to watch out for, along with how to escape them. Please pay close attention because my advice might just save your life one day.

Situation #1

I will not be the first one to say that climate change is bad. Methane specifically is a very powerful greenhouse gas. One molecule of methane lasts for twelve years. To put that into perspective, that is the same amount of time it took for me to go from zero to twelve years old. 

Here is an alarming fact: cows produce one-hundred million tons of methane a year due to their burping/flatulence. Here is another alarming thought: methane leads to explosions. And finally, here is an alarming story of fiction that could become non-fiction in the future:

One day you are passing by a local farm, admiring the moo-ing cows, who are so majestic in the wind. They eat grass and they keep eating grass because that’s all they really do. You squint your eyes and see a faint mist in the air, then suddenly the whole world blows up and dissolves into flames. Little did you know, you just witnessed the very last cow fart that would end humanity. 

My suggestion to avoid this predicament falls within changing the diet of all cows. As I said earlier, cows eat grass, which is why they produce so much methane. Cows should simply be fed foods that do not have lots of methane in order to avoid catastrophe. Maybe try a light and easy hamburger, or a flavorful slaughtered joe. Sorry, I meant sloppy joe.

Situation #2

The chances of someone becoming famous and getting injured by a toilet are around the same: one in ten-thousand. Yes, it is very low, but possible, and for that reason it is important to think about the cautionary tales that come with fame. Do not over indulge in money or status, blah blah blah. What people do not expect is the detrimental impact Ellen DeGeneres can have on a certain famous guest.

I thought by now a support group would have been created for the victims of Ellen DeGeneres’ unfunny pranks. The infamous retired talk show host has a certain favorite M.O., which includes terrorizing her guests. Just look at Ellen’s face, that woman is a sadist.

If Ellen comes out of retirement, you must be ready. From studying Ellen’s prior attacks, we know the jumpscares often occur in that suspicious looking box with a detachable lid. Before your interview begins, check inside the box to make sure no creepy person is waiting for you. That will surely foil Ellen’s plans and ensure your safety for the rest of your interview.

However, this solution is not long term—kind of like treating the symptom, not the disease. In order to guarantee well-being for all, we must make sure Ellen stays retired. If she is feeling too bored she may be tempted to make a comeback. The best course of action would be to encourage Ellen to pick up something that will keep her busy. Based on some brief research, one of the best activities for bored retired folks is pickleball. But oh no…it seems Ellen has already picked up pickleball.

Then perhaps a more calming activity such as crocheting would help tame Ellen’s wild spirit. If all goes to plan, Ellen will be far too focused with yarn to continue bullying other famous people.

Situation #3

In this day and age, privacy is a real concern. It can feel that with devices and cameras everywhere, you are constantly being watched. If you feel scared by the aspect of your privacy being violated, just be glad you are not in The Truman Show…or maybe you are.

The Truman Show was a popular psychological-comedy-drama movie released in the 90s. It follows your average do-gooder, Truman. He is an insurance salesman, which, now that I think about it, is not very good. Unbeknownst to him, he is the star of a famous 24-hour reality show. 

I am pretty sure that if you are familiar with this movie, you have thought at some point: Oh no, what if my life is like the Truman show and everyone I know is a paid actor and people around the world are watching me? If you haven’t thought about that before, please take a second to think about it now.

Okay, the first important part for getting out of this situation is identifying if you are even in this situation or not, which is tricky. Some signs you are in the Truman Show include:

Now, if you really suspect this is happening, you must make your life so unwatchable that the viewership of your show becomes too low to keep producing. Something television ignores (for good reason) is the very real, daily bathroom usages humans must do. In order to repel viewers, make your bathroom breaks extremely long. Exaggerate nature’s calling by pretending to develop severe stomach issues. The show will be cancelled in no time. Next, pack your bags and start a new life in some foreign country like Finland.

Moral of the Story

In a world full of impending doom, remember, a sliver of impending hope (yes, I made that up, which might be considered sad) is just around the corner. That might just be enough to save yourself from Ellen DeGeneres and many other much less scary things such as the six-eyed sand spider.